Monster Blood god knows what Roman numeral
by sweetie buttons
Summary: Early 90s references, false alarm chapter cliffhangers, neglectful parents, preteen flirting, unnecessarily detailed descriptions of clothing and Vietnam PTSD all combine in this Monster Blood parody.


**There's another MB parody here called "Monster Blood, Again". I thought I'd try my own hand at it.**

My name is Evan Ross, and my life is a living hell. That sounds really whiny, I know. But you would be too, if you had my life. To make a long, long story short, I have a mad scientist cousin who uses me as a guinea pig, a bully who makes my life hell even though I saved his sorry ass, a "best friend" who keeps dragging my worst nightmare back into my life, and a fandom that blames me for poisoning their water supply and burning their crops*. So you can understand why I'm a little bitter.

My day started out normal. I woke up from yet another nightmare about the monster blood. I told my mom about it, and she said I was weird and should stop acting like an infant. Nice mom, huh? I'm kind of surprised my dear parents haven't already come up with some excuse to abandon me with a relative. Their excuses get gradually worse. I really wish they'd just come out and say "We're abandoning you because we hate you and can't stand being around you".

Several false alarm chapter cliffhangers and early 90s references later, I walked to school with my friend/girlfriend Andy, the aforementioned "best friend who keeps dragging my worst nightmare back into my life", who has no apparent last name despite being the deuteragonist of four books, and is the fan favorite despite putting everyone's life in danger by constantly bringing back the monster blood despite knowing how dangerous it is, something that I frequently get misblamed for because most people haven't read the books and just base their opinions off of Troy Steele's hate boner for me*. Anyway, Andy was dressed like...well, the nineties. She wore an oversized Day-Glo T-shirt and black Spandex leggings and yes, it is totally necessary for me to describe what she was wearing. We engaged in amusing banter/flirting that consisted of phrases like "a riot", "thrills and chills", and other fake 90s twelve-year-old slang. Have I mentioned that I live in the 90s?

Of course, once I arrived at school, it didn't take long for me to get the life essence beaten out of me by Conan Barber, the aforementioned "bully who makes my life hell even though I saved his sorry ass". Seriously, with all the beatings I've taken from him, it's a miracle none of them have hospitalised me yet. I kind of wish they did. At least then I'd get to sue Conan for my hospital bills. The daily beating wasn't that bad, actually. I only broke three of my bones this time. Conan must've been in a good mood today. I even managed to change into clean clothes before the bell rang. Ones that aren't stained with blood. I'm starting to wish I had just let Conan get eaten by Cuddles. Was risking my life for him really worth it?

In class, I had a Vietnam-style flashback about the monster blood due to a can of Gack, which is basically what the monster blood is if it wasn't cursed by Sarabeth. Actually, how is it even evil anymore if Sarabeth was defeated? I'm just going to assume the phrase "stay evil due to plot convenience" was in whatever spell Sarabeth used. My PTSD has gotten so bad that I can barely even go outside without having more Vietnam flashbacks due to the grass and trees. What's the name for a phobia of the color green? Other than PTSD, I mean. That's what I have. I desperately need a psychologist as well as a doctor. Unfortunately, I don't think there are any psychologists qualified to deal with PTSD from evil Gack. And even if there was, there's no way my dear parents would listen to me if I told them about my PTSD, let alone waste their precious money on a psychologist. No, it's a far better use of their money to spend it on vacations away from me.

***Sorry, couldn't resist.**

**The Monster Blood series is do easy to poke fun at, with this and my Mom and Dad fic.**


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